My Complicated Relationship with Kinky Sex
When I was 19 years old, I tried very hard to give up porn. I was convinced that, by the very act of masturbating to it, I was contributing to the oppression and objectification of women. So I tried very hard to give it up. I did not succeed.
Not only was I a regular consumer of porn, but I had developed a penchant for porn that had an air of brutality to it. This went even further back; back to when I was 9 and discovered an R. Crumb comic in my father’s room that featured a man maniacally fucking the back-end of a woman whose head was stuck in a wall.
These fantasies of control and brutality began to emerge more and more as I reached puberty and became sexually active. During my first blowjob, I could not escape the thought that what I really wanted was to grab the girl’s head and start fucking her face. These fantasies were visceral and exciting. And they turned me on. Nonetheless, I would often lay in bed, ashamed of myself, convinced I was a horrible person–convinced I must be hardwired for oppressing women.
This worry, the worry that I was oppressing women, was an ongoing source of anxiety throughout my young life. It was specifically troublesome because, since I had been a young child, all of my friends had been girls. I didn’t feel comfortable around boys (for reasons that are complicated and won’t be covered here).
Girls were my most cherished friends, and they confided in me and trusted me. Nonetheless, I couldn’t escape these dark thoughts that plagued me inexorably, the thoughts of holding them down, subduing them, controlling them, and making them do what I want.
The solution I arrived at: I would have to conceal and suppress this aspect of myself. I even went as far as long, self-induced periods of abstinence throughout college. I was afraid that if I were having sex with someone, and my desires for sadism and domination emerged, and they saw the real me, they would reject me and tell all their friends about this horrible man they made the mistake of sleeping with.
This continued until I was 24.
When I was 24, my girlfriend (now wife) introduced me to kink and sex-positive feminism. What she told me was that she WANTED ME to tie up her hands, to hold her head against the wall, and to fuck her face (for example). She told me that there were plenty of women out there just like her, who enjoyed the feelings of being dominated. What they wanted to have done to them were exactly the things that I wanted to do.
This was more than an awakening and a revelation. It was validation that I was not a horrible and broken individual. There were others out there like me, and I didn’t have to feel alone.
To get to my point, for me, the kink/BDSM scene is more than just a place for me to do the things that turn me on. It’s a place where I can connect with people and be myself without having to feel ashamed of the things that I want and desire. This community serves as a refuge from my own internalized social norms that make me feel ashamed of my own sexuality.
I know this is not your typical FetLife profile spiel. I haven’t told you about all my kinks. I haven’t posted any kink disclaimers or dark, sexually explicit poetry. Still I think what I say here serves an important purpose.
When a person allows me to top or Dom them, they are putting themselves in a position where they have made themselves vulnerable to me. They are allowing me to take control. This kind of trust should, I think, be a two way street. If you are going to make yourself vulnerable, I think it’s only fair that I make myself vulnerable to you. By showing you first, who I am, deep down, and what I’m about. The things that have shaped me and influenced who I am.
So hopefully that’s what I have done here. Thank you for reading.
“The truth is: Connection starts with self-acceptance. Your level of connection, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance; it is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect.” – Brené Brown